Through the annals of history, there have been many historic figures that changed the world with their ingenuity. Whether they mark a scientific achievement, a military victory, or an artistic undertaking, these geniuses left their influence on the world in ways that are almost impossible to imagine or replicate.
And I could handily beat each and every one in Mario Kart 64.
Here are six of history's most influential figures that I could easily decimate in Mario Kart 64.
1. Galileo
Galileo Galilei, Italian physicist, astronomer, and miserable Mario Kart 64 player at 72 years old.Credit: Shutterstock / Everett HistoricalGalileo Galilei was an Italian physicist, astronomer, mathematician, philosopher who was best known for inventing the telescope. But his wide-reaching scientific achievements range from the discovery of planetary objects such as the Galilean moons, to confirming through actual observation the heliocentrism nature of the solar system. That being the idea that the sun is the center of the galaxy and the planets rotate around it. He is considered the “Father of science.”
But I would absolutely WALLOP his ASS in Mario Kart 64. Are you fucking kidding me? I would crush him. Probably lap him a couple times too. He's never even seena TV before. Goddamn it would be an ass whooping. Jeez oh man.
2. Sir Isaac Newton
Isaac Newton (1643-1727). Engraved by E.Scriven and published in The Gallery Of Portraits With Memoirs encyclopedia, United Kingdom, 1837.; Portrait of a man I could easily beat in Mario Kart 64.Credit: Shutterstock / Georgios KollidasThe English physicist and mathematician is regarded to have developed much of calculus, the building blocks of today’s engineering feats. His Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy is one of the most influential scientific works, heralding the age of enlightenment when Europe burst into an era of advancements that gave birth to modern technologies.
However, it should go without saying that if I were to ever play him in Mario Kart 64 I would absolutely wipe the floor with him. He could even be Yoshi. It wouldn’t even be close. Fucking hell dude, he would get absolutely annihilated. He has no idea what he's up against. I've been playing this game since I was six years old. He's, what, NEVER played it ever?
3. Albert Einstein
Photograph of Albert Einstein (1879-1955) German-born theoretical physicist, philosopher of science who would be easily defeated in Mario Kart 64 by Tyler Schmall. Dated 1921.Credit: History Archive/REX/ShutterstockAlbert Einstein was a German-born physicist who developed the special and general theories of relativity and won the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921 for his explanation of the photoelectric effect. Einstein is generally considered the most influential physicist of the 20th century and shaped the way we currently think of space-time and the universe.
And yet I would completely demolish him in Mario Kart 64 by such a large margin that it would probably discourage him from ever picking up a controller again. I can’t accurately put in to words how bad I would beat Albert Einstein in Mario Kart 64. My god. He doesn't even know what video games are.
4. Alexander the Great
Portrait statue of Alexander the Great possibly reacting to getting his ass completely worked in Mario Kart 64 by me.Credit: Shutterstock / markaraAlexander the Great is regarded as one of history’s most influential figures. Tutored by Aristotle, he took charge of the Companion Cavalry at age 18 and aided Philip in defeating the Athenian and Theban armies at Chaeronea. He eliminated his enemies to become king and leader of the Corinthian League. Alexander went on to conquer Persia and Egypt, his kingdom ranging all the way from the Mediterranean to India. The fact that his army only refused to follow him once in 13 years of a reign during which there was near-constant fighting, speaks on behalf of the loyalty he inspired.
Thinking about the sheer magnitude of the ass kicking I would bestow upon Alexander the Great in Mario Kart 64 does not even bring a smile to my face because it would be so thorough it would only register as joyless precision to me. Alexander the Great absolutely doesn’t have a prayer against me.
5. Leonardo da Vinci
Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519), Italian Renaissance painter from Florence who was never introduced to Mario Kart 64 and would ergo be decimated by me in a race.Credit: Shutterstock / Everett HistoricalLeonardo da Vinci was a painter, architect, inventor, and student of all things scientific. His genius crossed so many areas including invention, painting, sculpting, architecture, science, music, mathemetics, engineering, literature, anatomy, geology, writing, and history. He is best known for his art, including two paintings that remain among the world’s most famous and admired, Mona Lisa and The Last Supper. He is also considered the “Father of paleontology” and is sometimes even credited with the inventions of the parachute, helicopter, and tank.
I would beat Leonardo da Vinci in Mario Kart 64 by three laps at the very least. There is positively no chance he would be able to keep up with me. He wouldn’t understand the subtleties in the kart handling such as drifting and jumping, and he would have absolutely no intel on the weapons his character can employ. He would get blown out of the goddamn water. Christ almighty I'd kick his ass so bad.
6. Charles Darwin
Charles Darwin (1809-1882), or "Photograph Of A Man Who Has Never Played Mario Kart 64 And Would Lose By A Lot To Me Should He Ever Have Played Me In It"Credit: Shutterstock / Everett HistoricalCharles Darwin was an English naturalist, geologist and biologist. His scientific theory of evolution by natural selection became the foundation of modern evolutionary studies. Darwin's writings produced fervent reactions, many of which are still going on today. Yet even without his evolutionary works, Darwin's accomplishments are nearly impossible to match. His brilliant work in geology, botany, biogeography, invertebrate zoology, and psychology would still make him one of the most influential figures, by far, in the history of science.
But goddamn, dude. I would extremely fucking destroy his ass in Mario Kart 64. You think Charles Darwin knows what a blue shell is? Or the shortcut on Yoshi Valley? (Just after all the roads come to a point, you can jump to a lower track. No chance in fucking hell Charles goddamn Darwin even has an inkling this shortcut exists.) This idiot is dead in the fucking water. He can have a three-minute head start and I'd still kill him.
Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.
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